Testing a thing but also a little update!
Hey there! Sorry I've been gone for a bit, I've been busy with this new job but I'm really excited about it so far, because I can see myself being able to spend more time here and working on my website in the future. I'm trying to get through some personal health housekeeping that's been a long time coming, basically just getting to business in regards to taking care of my ADHD and general health. Now that I'm sitting on my ass at work all day I'm going to have to change how I'm active, which is good! I'm no longer too tired to do all the activity I want to do like yoga or cleaning or just going for walks when the weather clears up. I'm given more time to think and pace myself too, which means I have more time to schedule hobbies I've missed like gardening and creative work. There's still so many things I can't help but be nervous about, all of this change is a challenge to my ability to stop myself from catastrophisizing each little hiccup with unrealistic "what-ifs" and keeping any importer syndrome in check. It's a little weird, and always awkward to be the new girl who has to stay quiet and observe as to not make any wrong social moves (everyone is pretty reserved but nice over there), but I think it will get easier. I'm just not used to working in calm and organized spaces that respect my effort and pace. I'm used to tasks getting done in 10 seconds taking too long and the work to be so rapid fire and consistent and a part of an entire system that is completely disorganized and likes to be that way. I have to tell the rest of my brain and body that I'm out, and I'm free, but there's things I need to start doing and pivot my focus to.
I know I'm just bad at change, and that's really the main thing. It feels like it's been forever since I had my first day this last week but also it feels like it just happened. It's so weird! I'm really sorry for how jumbled these updates will probably get. I know yapping about my personal life can only be so interesting, but haven't I said something about that already anyway? I've been god I can't believe I'm saying this, but listening to an ADHD centered podcast recently and I'm kind of surprised at the value of just hearing another person talk about their struggles, even if there isn't much solution. But I've been here before, right? I've felt this when I first connected to the ADHD discord. I guess I really am on track to regularly forget that I need that sort of connection to feel like I'm not alone. I've been extra observant of it lately, because with the lifestyle change I see myself struggling to stay listening when I really need to in training. But I had a wonderful lady training me and I feel confident I can handle these next couple weeks at least on my own. I think this is the moment when I can much more confidently say I'm going to respond well to some sort of low-dose stimulant. I've been very, very weary of the idea of using one in the past due to how badly things were near the end of me using adderall, which I used for years and basically just got skinny, angry, more of a mess and incredibly anxious. The effects being off of it was worse, so being out of all that junk makes me really unsure if I want to risk that happening again, even on a smaller scale. I see how my body responds to even just a pill with some caffeine and I can't help but wonder if that's a sign I need to at least talk with a professional.
Well...if I can find one. In my care network or whatever. You know how it is here in the states. It's gonna be a pain in the ass...
Or maybe I could just take slow release caffeine pills or something? Is that a thing? Would that kill my health or something or would that be even healthier?
I guess I'm due for some googling.