Social connection vs conversation
I feel like a common thing now is to search for social connection through a shared media consumption and to consider that connection on par with conversation. I get it, I mean I'm a nerd who's been driven by my former passion for manga, Japanese fashion and pop culture, and common Tumblr fandoms for all of my life. It feels safe, because it's surface level only. We're not talking about ourselves and the world around us, in fact we're actively avoiding that. I don't see this as something that needs to go but instead it needs to be pushed down a few levels, it needs to be humbled and known for what it really is.
When I look back at a past relationship of mine, I realize how void of conversation it was. Sure, there were a handful, but over years of being together that just isn't something I should have let continue as long as it did. I really needed to push away that connection that took up most of my time and energy and make room for something much stronger, something I needed more. I don't think it's uncommon with people right now to lament how badly they just want someone who likes the same stuff as them...but you deserve better than that. The best friendships I've ever had we only had a few things in common. We talked about those things but mostly talked about other stuff; hopes, dreams, art/music we were making, sometimes current events. I know it seems corny but I think we need to consider probing further in when we talk to each other, no matter how goofy our sincerity comes across. Much of why I find myself writing these long and rambly blog posts is to make up for my lack of better conversation. I'll take what I can get, but sometimes it feels like the people I talk to only have a few dialogue options and they're all about the same few subjects. I guess that's on me for wanting them to open up more, so perhaps I need to practice that vulnerability myself first. I don't mind the gamble.
Sorry it's been so long since I've last posted. I've been trying to update and fix things on the website, and I'm even in the middle of making my own pixels and gifs to showcase(a few are already up!). I've been trying to draw a bit more, too. Overall I'm just trying to get back to being a person who makes things. I want to have something to show people that is uniquely me, because it's made by me. Besides all that internet stuff, I'm branching out a tiny bit and making (gasp!!) a couple irl friends. It's nothing too serious, but we're all kinda just on the same wavelength together. It works so calmly well. I think that's where I come back to my starting point of this post, that there's got to be a certain acceptance between yourself and the other person that you either have similar philosophies or you don't and that's okay. Knowing they can disagree with you at any time and being able to work through that together or let each other be is really important. If you're going to have certain things in common, let it be the important stuff that makes you who you are. Who are you without media that isn't made by your hand? What can people say about you without mentioning media or a product? I wonder if the pitfall I fell into years ago was thinking my precise interests defined me. Even though I've never been too into anime, I'm known by most people who went to high school with me as "that one anime fan who made art and dressed weird" because despite how much I cared about Japanese fashion and other Japanese popular culture at the time, people just aren't giving as much thought to it like you are. I had a reputation defined by what I made and what I looked like. How I look isn't always in my control, not is it really that important when you really have conversations (it's a shallow thing to connect on). However, what you make is more in your control. I wish I would have thought about this sooner, instead of thinking my whole reputation depended on how amusing my statuses were and how good my photos looked. I should have been making. I should have been cutting myself off of the likes and putting that energy into art. I should have made shitty and embarrassing art instead. I should have pushed to keep hanging out in person to talk at length about their feelings and status instead. I didn't do those things back then, but I am going to try and do them now.