These are old blogs I have taken, dated if I can, and moved to here instead of clogging up my area that I want to use for website updates. Consider these random diary entries that simply need to be cut from where they were and pasted haphazardly into my diary.
- 4/2/24: Since I don't have social media to dump my random thoughts anymore, can I just say how truly happy I am not having a kid? One of my greatest joys is not being a parent at my age. Without this freedom I would be half of myself. And while I know this is coming across as random, and off the cuff anyways, I'd like to say that I am also very much happier and more content with being alive after becoming an atheist. I suppose it's less that I became one and more that I was able to identify how harmful and destructive magical/religious thinking is when I could simply live my life going off evidence instead of the suffering that comes with going off faith. I am sure I mentioned being an atheist before but I try to make it near the core of everything I do, I may not always succeed but I certainly aspire to consistently. Knowing I choose my morals based on empathy instead of tradition is how I can see through a lot of bullshit. I know reddit atheists have ruined the very idea of calling oneself an atheist, but I really hope time can pass and people can start not only calling themselves atheists again, but proudly point out magical thinking often and publicly. I realize I'm not anything special by being a nerdy pothead atheist and honestly I don't WANT to be alone in this, I want every other person to be this way until the sexism and racism-justifying machine has no power over my government or any government. I suppose instead of looking to provide an optional lifestyle for those unaware (though this is good too) I am most interested in liberating people from theism's influence, so no child has to be conditioned to accept this lifestyle (and it's consequences) until they are able to make an informed decisions as adults. I imagine many people when given adequate education about all religions and the lack thereof, and lacking any dominating their culture, many people would choose to be atheists. Also, I know many people might say they are agnostic as if there's really a difference between the two, but as I've seen it, there isn't. Being atheist means you simply will not make a solid decision about something as huge as the creation of the universe and meaning of life (etc) until given enough evidence that can, through it's abundance and quality, prove itself correct. Finally not having to be pushed back and forth from using emotional reasoning, especially since ADHD intensifies my emotions, has been such an amazing journey of growth and growing happiness. Since this is my website I get to say this without being burned at the stake. I have no interest in arguing back and forth about it with someone who isn't open to being wrong. I really don't want theists to be hurt by my words because they are free to praise their own thing on their own website without others thinking they are firing shots lol. I don't mind if you're a theist, but you would be better off not talking about it here. I don't think you should take offense to anything I'm saying and I don't hate you or anything. If anything, I'm sorry you think atheists are just out to get you. It's sad to see someone who subscribes to magical thinking because we remember how stressful it was when we also did the same. We escaped, and we hope on day that you do too. That being said, I can't make anyone change something that bog overnight, I'm just one woman, it's too much energy I don't really have. I do feel guilty for that, but I rarely let myself enjoy hobbies lol so it's not too surprising I can't take up doing free atheists consultations lmao. anyways sorry this is such a ramble!
1/27/23: I've been back on the "Schizophrenia Rides" looking through it and all that. I find it so fascinating. I suppose some people might think because I'm there at all looking at the posts that I hold some malice of ignorance to schizophrenic people or something but I assure you it's the opposite, I am in awe every time at the type of thinking they're capable of and I realize there's almost always an element of tragedy to every image on there I see. Actually, I think the format of only seeing something the person wanted to be publicly seen creates a very strange introduction to that person, adding a bit of curiosity to speculate how they feel such a way. I'm sure people would reduce my fascination to something sinister if they were given pressure to. Don't do that shit please.
I also made a tumblr mutual (well, I guess she probably unfollowed at this point) mad by pointing out how goofy some random tiktok kids makeup was. Look, maybe it's different for you, but for me makeup is a choice you make and it's usually not too hard to tell the main reasons. In this instance, I'm not attacking this kids ability to apply foundation or even something difficult like eyeliner but this was a person with shoddily applied freckles and very cartoonist eyebrows. Of course I would never insult someone's natural facial features or attempts to achieve a social standard but that was not what was happening here. This is a person with half green hair, stars drawn on their face, obviously fake freckles and attempting to distort perfectly fine brows. I know I was harsh in my judgment, but being critical of someone's choices, especially when it seems to relate to the reason they were posted, just doesn't seem on par to me as critiquing one's natural self. Those awkwardly drawn on facial features are not a natural self moment, and tbh if it was me I would be laughing at myself for doing it in a few years because I would realize how goofy I was for putting in effort into that. And you know what, maybe I would have a "I was cringe but I was free" kinda moment too, remembering the fun I had and I STILL would laugh, because realizing how goofy past me was doesn't ruin the fun I had. There's nothing hateful or sinister there. Sometimes you just laugh at people without malice and I suppose I forget just how seriously people assume you're being. I can also accept that I probably get in the habit of saying things for myself online more than anything, because it's not like I have ever really found other people read what I type, much less even give it thought, very much at all. The internet has kind of always been a void for me to talk into. I don't find myself fitting into groups easy, just in general, and most of the time I'm either ignored or rejected socially. I don't think that excuses me being an asshole or anything, but I guess I just am kinda over it. You know....over the bullshit. Argue with the wall and all that lol. Echo chamber; party of one lmao. It's not like I really mind it that much since I've grown up an only child, no pets, not allowed to see friends outside of school that kinda life, so I doubt I can really lose what I rarely have. Just kinda a bummer because I wish more people had a "I disagree with what you did there, and while I don't want to talk with you for a couple days I'm not casting you away forever, and I'm still not approving of your actions" mindset and less of a "get out of line; get out of my sight" mindset I keep seeing people have. I guess I just feel like this all brings me back to when I was younger and had to feel guilty for everything I've ever done and wallow in a dramatic performance of remorse for the very breaths I took over and over and always told I should feel guilty. Like I've always been a terrible person, accordingly, and eventually you just run out of the ability to feel guilty for things so you just have to hope people stop using you to see you feel that, like there's something beautiful and holy about punishing yourself and hating yourself for being impure to the point of forgetting why anyone was ever mad at you to begin with. At some point you've just had enough, and you're sick of people who want you to apologize and suffer and feel bad all the time because there's no more of that emotion left to feel. It's all gone, the well is dry. If everyone feels better asserting that I'm a terrible person, then so be it, I'll be the best terrible person I can be that looks after myself and does things for my enjoyment. I don't intend to hurt anyone, I never do, but I guess when you're the type of person to assume malice instead of literally anything else you get to make us both feel alone. I don't know what got solved here. People who are online as much as we are probably mentally ill in some way, different ways I'm sure, but I still hope we both get well soon. And maybe when you get older you'll realize I'm not against you and I'm going to learn from this and grow from this in a way probably different than you think I should.
(update-we're cool now, actually get along pretty well!)
1/20/23: I joined a discord. I feel like I really suck at like, talking on it though. People on there have either something more interesting to talk about, or a really cool thing they've done that promotes for good conversation. I just struggle to add to that, I'm always thinking of something worth adding in hindsight. I hope once I've done more work here I can show them this! I also want to pick up embroidery again and just make some more things. I miss making things! I miss my hands being my friends lol.
1/18/23: Tripped today and I'm kinda just surprised at how mellow it all was. It's been a good couple months since I last did it, too, and I assumed I would trip way harder. I do think I had a couple sad thoughts, like how I wondered if I'll just simply never feel a true sense of kinship with anyone. Maybe that's just how things reallly are for everyone. I have a great life partner, great family in general, and a couple really amazing friends. I guess I don't see friends as often as I should and I really suck at texting and chatroom kinda stuff. I just sorta miss having deeper conversations with someone who isn't my man. Nothing against him lol I just would love to have a deep talk with another weirdo female sometime and not feel like I'm under harsh judgment to say the most profound/funny/desired thing people wanna hear all the time. Maybe this is because I need to write in my journal more and in general. I just need to have a conversation that's just there for me. That's pretty selfish, but isn't that what everyone wants? I try to learn how to make this for the people I care about in life, but I don't think the people in my life know how to do that for me. I'm not going to change what I'm doing because I love that I'm doing what I know is right. But maybe I need to seek out people who return this energy to me more than I entertain those that just drain me and exhaust me. I just have to find it in me to stop letting my guilt for not contributing enough money or food or stuff push me into using my social skills like some appeasement service to make up for my inadequacy. If I don't measure up, they just need to get over it and start learning to like me for me and not what I can be used for. I have to stop being so afraid of feeling like a parasite, not just stop thinking I might be one, actually let go of the idea that being a parasite is wrong. I think the severe lack of kinship I have with anyone alive actually works in my favor in this way, because no one's going to actually get what I'm going through to provide a worthwhile critique. Like I guess feeling alone would make more sense if I actually was. Honestly this is all probably rambling, I'm in the acid comedown and it's 4 am, I've been up quite a while and my hormones have me weird. My head is starting to hurt because I forgot to eat very much today and I didn't get much sleep last night. Something seems to grab me and I feel restless, like a problem that must be solved. I feel it may be so simple to cure, I think I simply need to create a thing. I need to draw or write and maybe even reconstruct some of my clothes with a needle and thread. Also I spent too long scrolling tumblr today. Let's be real, social media consumption feels so weird once you notice how it changes you the moment you put the phone down. Like, what are these feelings? Oh, right, I was subjected to a million posts about the evils of the world, saw some pointless drama on my dash, like 2 or 3 funny things about the polls feature, and somewhere in it all there was a cute cat. No wonder I felt helpless. No kinship, so what! I will someday in the future. I'm going to keep trying to find that and put WAY less energy on being the driving force of social energy in conversation or whatever. This stuff really is exactly like a drug, because it's so easy to slip into when I'm not sober lol. I think it's just the extra stimulation that is so enticing at first, but then it devolves into something that ruins our mood and sense of self every time. I KNOW building myself back up from what I am now is hard, and becoming who I want to be will take a while, but I have to keep going anyway. If I don't who will? No one's going to carry me through this stuff. I will say that if anything I've said resonates with you, I hope you feel less alone. I hope you know things are emotionally messy and complicated out here in the real world, but I think we both deserve that little bit of human connection no matter what we are, or what we become. Maybe just to punish us for our misdeeds, or to reward us for doing the right thing. I think people with weird little brains with steel cage walls up like us should realize we're breathing the same air as the people outside. I also think weird people like this should run the world someday. That's a little biased of me. I don't care 
These are from my "Current Obsessions" page that ended up becoming bloggy and not very interesting. Oldest are last just like above. I'm going to try and stick to a more rigid format from now on, so this is the parts that get cut:
*4/3/24: I should be asleep! lol oops. Work tomorrow, super lame!
Can't sleep though, I know it's dumb, but I get really anxious the night before I have to work, especially since I've been gone sick a whole week now. My brain is trying to find a distraction so much lol. I really need to go through every single label of my website and rename a lot of them, and make new buttons for them. I really need to write out a navigation plan in my website instead of just half assing things as I go. But then again.....I'm doing this to have fun, if I make it into work, will it be fun anymore? Is personal satisfaction with my work more important that my comeplete comfort and 100% enjoyment of being here? I suppose motivation follows action, and the more I put actual effort in this website (few times, but they're there!) I do feel really good about it! Perhaps my time of leisure has come to a close, and I would like to make accomplishment my focus now. I'm a little bit scared of how soon I'll hit my limits, but I know there's a chance I could work hard enough to keep getting better.
"This story has a happy ending."
Yeah, maybe I'd like to make effort one of the things I look back on when it's all over. I know I have a strange personality and a lot of things make it hard for me to do stuff, but I think I want to at least know I tried. Spring is around the corner. I always seem to grow a bit every spring. Goodnight.
*12/30/23:
I'm making a "hall of fame" selections for 2023. 3 games, youtubers, and strains that I felt really made my year. I'm trying to not include things that everyone online already knows of and commonly recommends, so even though I loved the Barbie movie, love playing Baldurs Gate 3, and stuff like that, I'm going to try and keep it interesting for the type of people(that's you!) that I assume are reading. Or maybe I just want to give the indie stuff some love lol. I am SOOOO sorry it's been a while since I've updated but I'm going to really be pushing for this website in 2024. I think if I feel ready and have done enough here, I would love to start a youtube channel. But first, I'm going to make this site into something people can enjoy. I don't think I'm the only pot smoker/youtube watcher/gamer lady on the internet, so I would love to take advantage of that and show people the cool stuff I find that they might like too.
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Edit:
On another unrelated note, I'm really getting into photography not just as a thing I do to keep memories but as a way to really capture something meaningful. Also this fancy camera I've had for a bit is finally not going to waste. Even if everyone hated my photos, I love doing it so much I am not going to stop! So that's another thing to keep an eye out for here.
