What if it all means nothing to everyone else?
As usual, I come to you bearing questions and thoughts, scattered about.
As I grow older, I become more comfortable with the idea I may not one day rule the universe. I may not make it big. I may not move past my normal job and my normal life into a phase of microcelebrity art girl blogger. I'm beginning to look my own mediocrity in the face and realize it's still worth something, it's not shameful. I am in fact, average, and do not deserve special recognition for the goings-on in my brain.
Have you ever faced it? The growing likelihood that everything you do will be crushed in public memory under the weight of everything else that exists? That the life you've lived could, and probably will, fade into obscurity over time? What does it even mean to have a legacy? What does it mean to get the attention you deserve? There are billions of people, so is floating above them even worth doing, and if so, how?
Every time I write I feel the buzz of these questions in my chest. I love just...writing, as an action, as a way of speaking what's on my mind, but sometimes I sabotage myself by thinking what if it meant something to other people, too. What if the little spurts of words I shove out to the world are seen and resonate with someone. I think that's a nasty side effect at not having it mean enough to me that I'm looking to give it practical value elsewhere. I do a lot of writing that doesn't go online, and I think sometimes I'm kind of ignoring the reality that those ways of writing are actually objectively better to do. So many times I do sit back at whatever I do online and think "oh yeah, I need a friend group again." not a single friend but a group of people to belong to, I guess that's a tribal instinct that hasn't left me. I used to have that, and it worked so well for me, because I could not only feel I had so many facets of person to connect with, but the spread of everyone meant way less strain on each other to be present. We could really hold up things easier while still taking time for ourselves. Everyone can pitch in when needed and no one feels they have to give everything they have for anyone. I guess I'm just kind of over the whole hanging out every day, always texting, never leave each other alone kind of friendship...it feels like dating but possibly worse. I've had those cranked to 11 friendships before but they just don't last. In a friend group you might spend more time with a single person but fade out naturally after a while and it feels so much better than the awkwardness of two people sick of seeing each other letting that animosity build until they're just never talking again or are too awkward to restart contact.
As you can tell, I've been thinking a lot about relationships and friendships lately. I'm open to any books or videos you want to recommend by the way!! (My email is gruesome420@protonmail.me) I've been pleasantly surprised at how satisfying the "low-effort, low-connection" casual relationships have been for me these days. I love my small talk at work with customers, I love the simple but fun talks with my coworkers, and even the texts from my former coworkers/current friends feels like an important part of a social ecosystem that keeps me sane. Of course, talking with my husband, my parents, and my mother-in-law are great and sorely needed too. All together I look at these things and I really don't feel the need to consolidate them, or change them at all. I like that kind of lightness you get from the surface level. Sometimes I want a deeper conversation, but I have to wonder if this is just a sign I haven't been making art or writing that really heals or engages me enough. When I walk through my local park, sometimes hitting an awkward eye-contact moment with someone before we do that weird Midwest half-smile and look away, I feel something social in me is strangely soothed. Petting a strangers dog that's jumping up at me for my attention while their owner says something canned about "sorry she's excited today" is something I'm almost ashamed to say improves my day a bit, and makes me feel more real. I have been realizing how much these moments feed me and keep me from going insane. Maybe everyone else knows that and I'm just now hitting these mental milestones years late. That would be per-usual for me. I have always taken extra time to learn and understand, and I usually have to learn things the hard way. That being said, once I understand, I feel like I understand completely. Thinking about my life and myself during my strongest social media addictions was always so painful and draining, but now I feel like I'm redirecting my narcissism into something that might resemble self reflection. Or perhaps I'm just getting really good at making my narcissism work for me. Either way, I think I need a small vacation from thinking about myself.
I hope this blog post finds you well. Sorry the formatting isn't very fun, I'm typing on my phone today.
-C