Some Jun and then there's me
Today's Jam: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEbtRK28nNQ
Jun understood what it was like man, she just wants to live and make art. We've got to get more people like that. People like her, cool women, are such a breath of fresh air. You can tell when it's authentic. Great artists steal, no doubt about that, but there's a certain approach to stealing that makes for something entirely fresh. I can tell she's really looking at the world. I love that. I feel less alone in my intense observations and mental deconstructions.
Anyway, I feel kinda weird today. Sort of restless, but also tired and not wanting to move...I'm losing my grip on my current fixation, so I always get pretty depressed from that, it's hard to like things in a normal way and it's hard to rekindle the intense hellfire I've had for the fixation, so my only real hope is finding a new fixation. Luckily these things usually work on rotation, but an entirely new fixation would be much better to find, even intoxicating. Do other people feel this too? It's like a drug that swallows you whole with ecstasy. An obsession so intense I don't eat, nothing else matters, I'm this unstoppable force with only thoughts about the Thing. I can immerse myself in all the fan culture I can find (though I've been less socially involved as of late), and I don't even sleep that much. Hell, the energy is so fully felt physically that I just keep ingesting more and more THC like a tranquilizer that fails to calm my body down and instead sets my nerves on fire, my mind free from embarrassment of my carnal obsession, I'm the horny, energized person who never eats that I always wanted to be. Unfortunately I don't have people who are willing to take me out partying or to the club to make some insane impulse decisions. At least not the kind of people who would actually go crazy with me. I miss that a lot during these times. That was my kind of social scene for sure, no phone service, no social media posts, just getting as fucked up as possible, meeting unforgettable weird people, wild formative experiences, and grabbing a big breakfast when the sun rises to talk about how much fun that all was. I'll admit I miss the coworkers who took (and provided) shots in the bathroom at work with me too. I'm just not cut out for the mundane. I think I am sometimes, wanting to spend an evening at home alone smoking pot and reading fanfiction, but not much longer afterwards, I want to party with a group of friends, walking around downtown seeing what everyone else in town is out and about for. Going place to place and having interesting conversation, meeting other weirdos, listening to local bands play in a garage full to the max...yeah, I guess that kind of lifestyle just doesn't exist anymore. Not really possible the way it used to be. Total bummer, people are so mild these days. The younger crowd just isn't going to take enough social risk to really foster that kind of environment. Imagine if the only way to make a reputation was in person, and only through who you were when you hung out with your friends or local scene. So many people would crumble from this lol. For whatever reason people who are straight or aren't at least a little nerdy can never seem to party like this. You'd think it's the other way around, the osa having every club and bar made for them to feel comfortable expressing their sexuality and culture, but no, I guess the novelty wears off fast. I hope one day soon I can at least go to a hippie-type music fest where I can feel more comfortable being a weirdo around a bunch of other people. Maybe I just need to smoke a joint around a campfire with a bunch of other stoners, talking about art, books, music. Maybe I can muster a normal social fulfillment fantasy lol. I'll admit the party culture, local punk scene, the "let's do drugs and take Polaroids to scan for a Tumblr post" era is just over before it really had a chance. Or maybe before I really had a chance to wake up and realize how awesome it all was. I loved it, but I could have loved it more. I should have. I wish I had gone with my friends who went on tour, partied in all kinds of random towns, used the hell out of my hipster cameras (I had multiple and still do!), made way more weird art, made weird music, wrote a few shitty books, made some crappy zines, connected more with people and stayed connected no matter what. I didn't. I regret that. I have to find a way to live my life now in a way that can make up for that mistake. Unfortunately, it's much harder to muster even a small event with the same culture. I suppose places like New York have something close to that, but that's so far away I've never been there. I'm dead broke, too. Maybe I should just find a discord server that has this sort of desire.
When you get older, you begin to notice how the end is never really....the end. Things fade away, but nothing fully disappears. Like the sun behind a cloud, some things shine again, sometimes much brighter than before. It's not as predictable as I thought. I thought I would be over something, but I find myself back into it as if I never even calmed down. It's such a wonderful thing to observe, because you realize life doesn't have a singular peak. Your life, and all the makes it, has the complex ebb and flow rivaled only by the entire earth. I have only just begun in this life. These wonderful memories of the past are not my only good years. They may be my first ones, but the freedom I have now is something I would always favor over any situation of my past. I feel calm knowing things don't really end or die. I can rely on that. I'm going to become something one day, even though I'm already 31. I'm not sure what, and maybe it won't be fame I find, or money, but I will find greatness and I will savor it.
Perhaps I should end it here. The birds are chirping outside my window. There was a storm today. The sun is intense through the blinds. The short silk robe I'm wearing is enough to keep me cool on a day like today. Have a good one; person reading this. I'm just another voice in the online void.