Neo-NC Layout in-progress
...and by in progress, I mean I just started a new layout for my website on a whim. Well, I'm lying again, I'm basically doing it as a very weird way of procrastinating working on my parents paintings for christmas. I guess something nice comes from something bad, right? Nothing like working on something you're very bad at to help you feel more comfortable doing things you're only slightly bad at. What positivity we have here on this blog! But it's true, the struggle of watching myself be so awful at painting (this hurts extra when I'm trying to paint something I could draw in ink exactly how it looks in my reference photo) has shook my a bit out of my sad little funk that kept me from even trying to touch my website. This blog, too, got the touchless treatment due to the same negative brain goop that makes me feel like I'm supposed to be perfect at everything or else the internet police is going to throw me in internet jail or something for being illegally average at anything that has a chance of being seen by others. As most people observing me be like this have said; it's just a shame when I could have spend that time getting better and collecting failures that could be cashed into skill points pretty easily. But knowing how the whole thing works doesn't really seem to stop every cell in my body from doing all it can from getting started and trying. Pretty lame!
On a lighter note, working on this layout has been fun so far, a welcome change from my edgier look I was embracing (well, still embracing) for a while that while I don't regret, I am tired of. I like the idea of making the website like either a garden or a nice little spot under a tree you go to for rest and to picnic in a park. I guess the frutiger aero people are getting to me, but making real life imagery into a digital space has always been something I've loved. I like the feeling of a webpage that reminds me of doing crafts in the sun, with the birds chirping and the weather mild. I'm also trying to find more books, magazines, and generally anything that is from this sort of era and subculture, this group of quirky, nerdy, and edgy crafters who loved to diy everything, with the bar not being so insanely high because of how competitive trying to get attention on social media can get, but instead the main priority was making something you loved and had fun making. There's also this bit of embracing creativity for it's own sake, doing weird things and starting new ways of making stuff for the fact that it's just enjoyable and new. I like that. I really resonate with that sort of shameless that is getting more and more rare these days. Now, most times I see people embracing anything creative it's with the idea that improve will and must happen, and if it doesn't, and all that happens is the person has fun, then there's some sort of failure going on. What a drag. I can tell you now, that the desire to get better at web design holds me back from really enjoying it. I get nervous to even consider myself a web designer, even though I literally designed a goddamn webpage and that's (as far as I know) the only requirement to the definition. Am I doing this as a hobby? Of course, I love web design and graphic design but these things don't pay any bills. Of course, I'm not even in the top 500 in the ranking of casual hobbyists, so it does feel weird to even address I'm in the same universe. But I've got to get over this feeling that I'm wrong for even taking up their oxygen or something. It's not pitiable; it's just annoying. That's always the frustrating catch 22 about anything, people who are crying for help the loudest in regards to their low self esteem are usually getting on the nerves of everyone else the most. I try to reach out to people who kind of give off that vibe and encourage them, because I know that outside validation, however stupid it is to want, is exactly what they're looking for in their rut of low confidence. I've been there, I still struggle with that, so I get it. But maybe I'm really just enabling people who need to hit that sort of rock bottom before they understand seeking validation is a waste of time...
Anyway, so uh, crafts. And grass backgrounds. What do they mean to me? To me, they mean the feeling of sunshine on my back while I look through a magazine that inspires me. I've got sticky tabs on the pages of things I'm going to make, and I'm listening to music that fits my optimism. I'm being me!
I'm excited to get more work done on this layout, but what I really hope is that I can actually add more things to the website that are fun, and can make some more art, pixels, and crafts for the place that can hopefully inspire and motivate other people, too. I'm probably going to give up on making blogs specifically for that page, and just move it all over here (Maybe even link my website blog tab to here?). It's just easier, but I still kinda suck at remembering how to use syntax but it will get easier with time. I also want to add more of my photography and graphic design work to the website. You can already see that with those big buttons, they're all made from photos I took and edited by me. I like doing that kind of stuff! Years ago, my dream was to work for magazines in every way possible, and now I'm sort of just stuck with these passions making things for magazines that do not exist. I still want to make things even if it's for nothing and has no practical use.
I think it's important to mention, doubly so if you're still reading this, that I really do love reading all the random different blogs on here. It's fun! Some of you are great at writing, and it's always just nice to read things by real people with (as far as I can tell) little to no profit incentive in mind. Some of the blogs I read on here are insightful, amusing, and just plain provide peace of mind knowing another human is having a human experience. I like the Bearblog is minimal and clean, compared to so many other platforms, and I like that there's just enough but not too little people on here, giving us glimpses into their lives. I guess that's just because I love blogging. It's why I came to blogger years ago, and then tumblr, and have tried all sorts of other places to see if they had the same spark. It's funny to think that really the more dressing you put on a simple blogging platform the harder it can be to enjoy, huh? Tumblr in particular feels weird to call a blogging platform at this point, it's sort of it's own creature in terms of how most power-users approach it. Then again, does calling twitter micro-blogging feel right to those who use it today? I wouldn't know, I stopped using it in 2020 after not really using it much in the first place (except getting really into it for like a month lol).
Anyway, I'm very thankful for the small web stuff. I like something scaled back and simple, because I think the customization should be left entirely to me. I've always been like this, and to be fair I've been spoiled in my younger years. Let me fuck up my layout myself lol. But I'm not 13 anymore, so sometimes I really just like the comfort of less. I'm sorry if my layout on here is more maximalist than the usual fare. Much of that is just what you're in for when you're around me. And being on here, you are around me. I am the walls and floor of this room you're reading in. I can't help but be aggressively myself. This is one of my few places I can call myself the default and everything else that isn't like me I get to call weird. As aggressive as that might be, it feels really cathartic! I suppose this is a sign to act a bit cattier to the people who try to make me feel like I'm always sticking out like a sore thumb instead of innocent bystanders (blogstanders?) on my blog lol. Don't worry stranger, you did nothing wrong, I just have first world problems I'm going through publicly on the internet. Nothing to see here that you haven't before!
Well, it's time to roll out and get to working on this layout or something else I've been procrastinating. Bye!