Hi again Bearblog.
I told myself a long time ago that upon posting again I would:
A: Return with some sort of genuinely polished mass of writing that gives the feeling of some sort of comeback, even though I'm not really sure what person I'm returning to be.
B: Not apologize for being gone so long. It's my blog, right? The more I apologize, the more annoying I become and the more I set a precedent that says "yes, I am doing something wrong and you should be upset with me".
But I'm going to do neither of these things and instead hope to both gain back momentum and build a little more credibility, whatever that means in this context. I just hate that I fell off so intensely, and I do feel guilt for it, and I am sorry despite it all. I think more than anything, I'm apologizing to myself for falling back into the habit of being a complete hermit and falling back into the shadows. I do this a lot, and I don't like it. I let anxiety take over and my habit of comparison take control and hijack my ability to hit the post button, and this sort of thing crescendos until it's hijacked my ability to sit down and write at all. But to be fair, much of this still remains in my control and I allow this to happen, at least to some extent. The teenager that's terrified to answer the phone takes over instead of the adult that used to yell expletives back to customers on the job (and keep her job, mind you). I don't know how both of those people still live within me in any harmonious sense; often they don't.
I dislike how many contradictions I'm made of. I don't like being this and if I can be at my most vulnerable and most candid, I'm often wondering if I even like being me. I click a link to an article I want to read, and I struggle to lock in and read it, it's like I'm struggling to just read it without tooth-pulling efforts. I'm seeing myself fail time and time again to initiate tasks I thought were going to be possible for me, things like starting to draw or write and I either have an idea I can't seem to get started on actually creating, or I'm able to start the task of making something but with no direction and no idea, but I'm watching myself bumble around until I make something that is barely okay looking, even after hours of work, and this is more than just frustrating, this is enraging. I've seen the stuff I used to draw over 10 years ago, and I see what I make now. To be fair, carpal tunnel has made things so much worse for me and I'm having to stop when my hand is numb and I was finally getting into the zone, which fully sucks ass and adds to what is becoming a near meltdown of rage at myself and my failing body and brain. I don't know if what's happening to me is a breaking point or a breakthrough. I don't know if this is a sign I'll come out the other side covered in my own blood and be glad I kept going, but I think what has motivated my chronic avoidance of people, because in these moments of frustration and anger I just feel completely alone to a fault. I have always been alone in most of what I do and have grown up very alone, which is generally fine and I do my best to embrace how weird it's made me. However, I'm not immune to moments of weakness where I wear my loneliness on my sleeve and it all becomes very off-putting to be around. Even worse, I have developed a terrible habit of awkwardly standing on the sidelines of what should be my social spaces, out of some strange fear that I may not just come across as myself but have to own up to being myself, and even worse continue to be myself as a human being and not a mute ghost that doesn't want to say the wrong thing. I've let my fear of judgement take control and it's become such a waste of my time and has ruined my previous joys.
I think there's also just a part of me that is indeed changing a bit, and I'm seeing myself do that, and I think "is this really acceptable to do publicly? To feel and act slightly different? Does this make me less reliable? Less digestible than I already was?" I know I'm good at lying to myself and making excuses to no longer do things I enjoy because they become difficult or have some friction involved. If it stops being fun, stop doing it, right? But this wasn't meant to mean if it stops being easy. I should have noticed that. I guess I'm a millennial in the more cringy way, that I'm stagnating on a "it's ok to not be ok", but I'm very deliberately ignoring the sorely needed follow-through. I'm basically hanging out at the save point and the story isn't progressing. Maybe comparing to a video game is kinda cringe too, lol.
I've been doing a lot of thought about medication for my ADHD. It's a hard thing to really think about, because it's not easy, or cheap, to get medication in the US, and it's not going to get easier once I secure the script and the pills. I'll be at huge risk for physical dependency, and who knows what sort of travel issues or medical issues these could also lead to. It's not an easy thing to say that after almost 10 years of being off of them, I want to go back and try again.
There are many reasons. Firstly, and mostly, it's about being completely honest and admitting that I, as myself in my normal state, just can't do everything I need to do without this being the only things I do. I can essentially maintain to some extent and even this is accented by forgetting to clean on time, missed core tasks for taking care of myself, and little to no time taken to actually reach out and socialize with anyone past a casual capacity with people I live or work with. To a point, this is fine and I can make it through, but I don't draw anymore in this state, I don't write much, and I don't really do much of anything that I would consider fulfilling or meaningful. I am just barely reaching bare minimum and "good enough" after a lot of scrambling and a lot of things get forgotten; plants die, food goes bad in the fridge, the meals are quick and easy and not usually great for me, and the piles of whatever it is this week I can't seem to properly sort and put away remain as they are or grow. It's a drab existence and yet it's usually chaotic and stressful. OH YEAH and my blog and website get neglected!
This is to not even mention how my relationship with food, like most Americans, is awful. I think this one is going to be a lifelong challenge for me, because I don't think I've ever heard of anyone be 100% normal about food in my life. I don't even know when I'm being normal and when I'm not, there's so much conflicting information and philosophies about food and when you're a woman the whole thing is even more of a mess. I do know that I don't want to have any more days where I grab for some random junk food for stimulation. Just to feel something. When I noticed just how bad it got, despite having no real issues with myself being a bigger girl (I've always been chubby, so I'm at peace with it or at the least I ignore it), I was kind of in shock I could even be like that. But I think it's been really eye opening how intense the urges I have are to just mindlessly eat because I don't have the stimulation my brain needs or I just want to turn something that is giving me enough dopamine to make me feel normal into something that is giving me even more dopamine so that I feel pleasure. This also happens with caffeine, unsurprisingly, where I want so badly to feel something strong enough to help me complete tasks, and simply do things without my brain registering it as pain. Yes, weed is also a part of this, but since it's unable to decouple from it's sedative effect, I usually don't reach for it until I'm looking to smooth over any anxiety or severe discomfort that might happen from the...everything. If this seems like a lot to take in, imagine how I'm feeling. If it doesn't and I'm just being a loser whiny baby, well then okay. I'm a loser whiny baby and I need a medication to be less annoying to you specifically.
Another thing that's just plain taxing on me is the intensity of my hormone cycle. I can't stand how I'm gambling on feeling "normal" only a few days out of the month, every month, forever. I can't do it. I can't keep being scared of doing anything because I'm worried my perception of myself and reality is warped the majority of the time. I feel any emotion and I assume it's not only a product of fluctuating hormones but that it's likely irrational in some way due to how my dopamine deficit leads to intense and lasting waves of emotion. I don't want to have to always keep riding out this bullshit eternal hurricane. I would like to be decently okay for a bit. I am very tired. All of this not only tires me out but I suspect I've failed to detect when I'm genuinely upset and might have been justified in doing so. You can see why this along with the shame of failure to perform basic tasks can erode self confidence in a lot of women who deal with all of this. Unfortunately, lacking confidence just makes it all get worse and worse.
So what's like, my plan? For this blog I don't have one. I don't think I'm at a point where I can make one without it just being dead on arrival. My plan for myself is to take the huge financial blow and get medicated, and I'm eating better and actually exercising regularly. The second one helps my emotional regulation a lot more than I ever expected. The first is hard mainly due to not being able to eat junk, I'm kind of surprised that it's as easy as it is to eat under a certain calorie count, but hitting enough amounts of nutrients is hard when I don't exactly have a variety of veggies on hand nor much of an idea as to which ones I would even need. I guess when I say that I kinda understand why I've only been skinny with stimulants, and I've never been healthy in my life, at least not balanced in a nutrient sense. I can't just eat apples and wasabi almonds all the time and be done with it lol.
As you might guess, the money is the absolute hardest part. Like I am putting myself at a pretty big risk financially. No, this isn't going to lead to me e-begging because I have too much pride, I don't even ask my parents for money lmao. It's this sort of tricky thing, because if I'm not careful I could accidentally overdraft my bank account with a $400+ charge. What's even more frustrating is that I could get both feet in the door to a doctor, only to be told that they don't think I actually know myself enough to deserve a prescription, and that my money was completely wasted. Or, even if I do secure a script, I could go everywhere that can possibly fill it only to be told they are out and won't be getting any more funtime college go-go pills at any point soon. And let's not forget this is all going to be dependent on my getting an appointment in the next few months, if there is an opening. It's kind of shocking that this sort of elaborate system of barriers not only exists, but exists as the perfect example of just about everything someone with ADHD struggles to do and often cannot do. And they're doing it without meds! It's a very funny joke, but the American healthcare system keeps repeating it for years on end so it isn't funny anymore. It's just enraging and exhausting.
And yet, I'm still going to make my phone call. I'll just have to thug it out, I guess. Do you ever think, with all this fanfare to secure a stimulant, there's a chance this substance becomes seen as so coveted that it becomes even more habit-forming? Why say no to something you worked so hard to get, right? Who knows, maybe this means I'll have a bottle of pills I ration out, but I doubt it. I think I'll be more tempted to stockpile. But for legal reasons, I am lying about that and would only refill when I'm out.
There's a couple things I'd like to talk about in the future because it's what I've been into lately. Hamilton Morris (the first and only Patreon I subscribe to), Gonzo and guerilla journalism, Hemlocke Springs, Fields of Mistria, and a little bit of RPG Maker VX (which is my first RPG Maker and it's very fun!). Oh, and I'm watching The Great and reading Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style. As I've said well above here, I'm enjoying all of these at a snail's pace but I do enjoy them. Maybe since I'm actually putting in effort into eating better food which means some actual planning and tracking, I might open up about some stuff I've been eating. I dunno. I'm mainly doing short youtube workouts, hitting a weekday step count and a weekend step count, and lots of squats with weights because for whatever reason that particular exercise has endeared to me with how goofy it feels to do. Also it's kind of safe for clumsy people like myself lol. It all still feels a little silly because it's just me, and no one else in this house is doing this (at least...not to my knowledge) so I'm just sort of doing this in secret because I cannot image having people see me huff and puff through a workout. I even felt weird when I got a little winded hiking a mountain in Colorado years back, and I distinctly remember putting much of my effort into not seeming like I was breathing too hard or loud. I guess we'll see if any of that changes as I get used to having a body that Does Things.
That's it for now. I hope those of you that take time to read this blog are doing well, despite it all. Perhaps I'll get a lot less shy and reach out to some of you! No matter what, things will change because they have to. I wish you all the best.