Girl who is probably going to be ok

10 Jan, 2026

the last couple days have been stressful. Horrible, awful news happening in america notwithstanding (that was a murder btw. watch the whole video), my car has it's check engine light on and my hours at work are being cut due to a new general manager. Sorry for anyone who might have thought I was working a nice comfy office job lol, I walk on a concrete floor (for hours!) lifting heavy boxes, unloading them, and do customer service stuff instead. It's not fun! My feet are often killing me at the end of the day and taking my breaks makes me the weirdo of the workplace, so often I only take one 20 minute and put it off until it's not as much of a burden for everyone. I do not get a salary, either. So that means getting time away from work is a blow to the money I spend to pay bills. But hey, most people know how all that works. I think being less ashamed of being a broke american is not only a valued part of my little brand but something I hope more people do.

Anyway, yeah, there's a couple other things adding to the stress I won't drone on about, but I think a lot of why I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed is because much of this is hitting me not too long after I felt a certain type of relaxed, I did the whole adhd optimism fantasy thing where I say "i'm going to do better" to myself for the millionth time, and what I often mean by that is "eat healthy, pay bills as early as possible, engage with all 20 of my current hobbies, completely cut out social media that isn't helpful (helpful being here and neocities, with a bit of youtube), be more active (on my own terms, not for work but to build strength), keep my home clean and organized, watch all that stuff I said I was going to start watching and those games I said I would finish will get finished". Of course, uh, wow, when I actually write it out I realize just how much I'm actually putting on myself and why I might crash the moment I get knocked, but in the moment, when the idea of doing better is ethereal and awesome, it feels so easy to grab and hold on to. I think the lie I always tell myself is that when I get going on doing these things, and every little piece is in place, I will become stronger, tougher, and everything I want to do will become easier and satisfying. I think for many people, this is true! You feel better from taking care of yourself and you're able to sort of snowball into this nice momentum of becoming that nice little perfect person we all think we should in some form be. But I don't think it's going to work like that for my brain, because no matter how often I try it never really does work like that. I've had so many new beginnings I should be getting some sort of medal for it or at the very least recruited into some sort of social club. I've given a lot of time and effort into starting on these particular terms I'm told are the only way to really do things correctly. I am so done with doing things correctly. Honestly, fuck doing things correct! I just need them actually done for once!

Now I can see why it would still seem reckless to just begin anything without a little bit of thought beforehand. And like, yeah, I get that. I'm not really saying I want to do things in a harmful or pointless way. I'm not really the type who needs to hear the paranoid lip-service about how going in another direction can be dangerous too, and I should be careful. The last thing I need is to hear anything less than full acceptance of making an attempt. There's this book¹ I read from the library before, that I loved so much I've still thought of it's best quote over a year later; "anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed." Oh my god it's true! You either want it done or you don't. The perfectionism is mostly delusional anxiety bullshit that's probably just your brain's way of saying "I don't want to do this, I'm scared, please don't make me change in a way that lasts!" I unfortunately am very new to this idea that I no longer need to be on constant alert, that my paranoia is not serving me, my defeatist attitude is taking my life away from me, I need grace and have to respect myself if I want anyone to respect me. And of course, the fried nerves of my past are only freshly healed over, with scarring.

Despite it all, I'm still going to try, but I'm going to try differently. I think my main focus is just holding on. If it's 5 minutes of a thing I said I wanted to stick to, then that's okay. If I eat something unhealthy then yeah, I'm not happy about it or anything, and I do what I can to make unhealthy food less accessible for me, but I'm not going to pretend I'm done with my momentum. I'm going to see what I can change from new angles to figure out my own personal way to do what's right for me. I want to reach out to the channel in the adhd womens discord to see if maybe I would respond better to another person being there to hold me accountable. But honestly, the idea scares me, and I don't really know if it's the good kind of scared or the "it's going to be a mess" kind of scared. Sometimes, actually quite often, I forget that these shortcomings and mental blocks are coming from adhd. I think it's just some awful thing about me and it feeds to this narrative that I must be this stupid and lazy person I was always led to believe I was. That's when the self-compassion and simply giving myself grace gets very hard. How can I be nice to myself in the face of what could be true? How could I allow myself to be delusional and possibly let those delusions feed into more future failure? What if being stricter with myself and stopping my own bullshit it the key to finally stopping the cycle of frustration? I know I can do hard things because I've done them before. But I also know that high expectations never yield a worthy return. Instead, I find myself too scared to fail, and too scared to try. I am incredibly good at putting things off out of fear of doing them below my personal standards, which at times aren't even that high and can even be quite low. It seems at these moments time passes quickly and against me. I see myself miss a window of time and get into a zone where it feels shameful to show my face to those who know I'm late at what I meant to do. This is why I often hide that I'm doing anything at all.

I remember, about 10 years ago, I would run a bit late getting to work, mainly because it was so hard to just leave my car in the parking lot and walk in, getting my day started. I would call in from the parking lot, making an excuse, and then I'd just sit in the parking lot for a little bit before driving off to another one, looking out my windshield in shame, deep self-loathing, and anxiety, chain-smoking cigarettes and wishing my entire life would completely change. And the next day I had work, I was often so scared to come in and face the people I lied to that I would call out again. I wasn't resting, it wasn't fun, and I was incredibly lonely. It was miserable. Even on days I would muster the courage to make it in I would be late in some way. I don't think anyone is going to fully understand what I felt during that time, but I wasn't doing well.

About 5 years or so after that, I began to get...less bad. You just don't get better overnight, but things around you get a little better and you get a bit less miserable and able to help yourself. Then about 4 or so years ago, I got a new job and I made the promise to myself I would never be like that again no matter how scared I was. The truth is, that is not when I gained some sort of power back; this change set itself in stone because I was in a better place, with better people around me, and a chance to try something new without feeling like I was going to be seen for it. For changing. I also had to work hard through the shame and realize I wanted to built a better reputation with myself, for myself alone. I wanted to think about who I was and know, without question, I was a person who tried their best, worked as hard as they could, was true to their word, and was reliable. I was NEVER late at that job(or this one), even though there was nothing but myself holding me accountable(which was actually helpful), and most of my coworkers were like how I used to be and often late or gone. I had no idea I could be a person who did something like this. Even more, I was honest, clear, and made sure to communicate my boundaries and situations respectfully but also firmly. I was no longer giving a subpar performance, so I no longer needed to accept subpar treatment and be a doormat when I knew it almost always just leads to worse treatment. I am proud I became that person and proud to still be that person.

But it's just time to level up again, I think. And unfortunately it seems like it's going to be more complicated than it was before. I think looking beck and appreciating the growth I've made helps me reframe what I can realistically do, and often I forget to appreciate things so much that I take so many great things in my life for granted. Still, I'm looking at this journey with a bit of a concerned eye. I have been playing with the idea that maybe actually talking to a professional would be worth doing, past this it might be worth trying medication. But I have so many questions. What about my health, like if I ever want to have a child what would I be doing? In general, how healthy can it be to shove random chems into my body when that made things worse before? How about the cost of all this, would all of this be covered on insurance, because we're too broke to consider anything else? I'm ready to advocate for myself to a point in person, but I often forget to stop and think when people are talking to me, like a deer-in-headlights thing, which is why I like unloading my thoughts online. I worry I'll miss an important point until it's much too late, which I am known to have done, even when I plan ahead this can still happen. I don't have much reason to trust a doctor who makes money and receives gifts from pharmaceutical companies or a really any professional that makes more money if I keep coming back. Of course I can't just say this point blank to their faces lol. But still, I'm considering giving at least one visit or two a try to talk with someone who has a better understanding of what I'm dealing with and perhaps how I could better tackle it. I do sort of worry it'll just lead into hundreds being sunk into after being pressured to get an autism diagnosis and told I need to make 5 monthly visits that cost me 100 bucks each time out of pocket, and they'll do nothing for me, and I'll just feel even worse and...okay, maybe that's a little bit of a stretch, but I do worry something like my OCD or possible (but very highly suspected) autism might just take over the conversation, the short time I can barely afford, and I'm even more confused as to how to move forward than before. I need solutions!

To be fair, I have paid all the bills but one, which doesn't actually let me pay it till later in the month. I did indeed eat fairly healthy, even if I suck at logging it. I did a lot of organizing my stuff and discarding a lot for donating (or just trashed it if I couldn't donate) and I'm at least keeping up with the exercises that help my foot injury heal. I also made a new part of my website, finished a huge amount of the new layout, and I even got some drawing (both with colors!) done for the first time in almost a year! So maybe I'm being a little dramatic. Maybe I'm going to be ok.