actually doing something about my ADHD (part 276 of 40,000)
joke title. that's obvious, right?
Okay, fine. I'll do something about my adhd getting out of control. Again.
Honestly, if you have it you already know the drill. It's never going to announce itself like a broken leg. It's going to be moments of overwhelm, tiredness, nothing is getting done or happening and you just sort of feel that a curse or miasma of "bad" is cast upon you and growing with each week. It's always frustrating, because you want to be normal and surely this is just a you not doing this or that problem, right? Maybe you're in a bit of a funk, that's what I was thinking, and it's so much easier to find some sort of excuse of why it's your fault, of the fault of anything that isn't adhd. I'm a woman, so my adhd has a certain zing to it that doesn't read as adhd to most outsiders. I will often spend a while just "taking care of it" and trying to do my daily tasks and generally whole life differently and of course things get better. I get more done, I feel normal enough, my peers (and myself) are tired of hearing about my adhd and I eventually forget I'm doing certain things a certain way because I have to, and I fall back into doing things without much thought for how my brain is uniquely wired, and very slowly I slip back into doing not so great again. Rinse and repeat.
I don't really have any people in my life who also deal with these things, or the few I encounter have little to no interest in working through the issues as much as I usually am. It's frustrating, and it alienates me even further than I already was from my peers. I try to never talk about my issues because people are tired of hearing it, and I begin to foster shame and resentment for myself and how I act because it's nothing but a burden to people who always hear about it but never see me get better. I hate that they can't just learn to live with it since it's not as bad as actually having it, but I also understand their frustration. This environment has unfortunately enabled a lot of shame and guilt to fester within myself; this in turn begins to alter how I approach literally everything. I'm not doing things the way that works best for me anymore, I'm doing them the way that makes me feel the least amount of weird and ashamed for being weird. And if I can't do things the right way? Well, then I'm not doing them. Even when I really need to. I've always been afraid of failure but it's only gotten worse in the past couple years or so. I think about the times I felt confident in doing something and the answer is usually the same; I was completely alone and unseen, stuck in the feedback loop, spiraling downward.
But life isn't like that, is it? And when you make up people to judge you in your head, suddenly you're never alone in the worst way. It sucks! So even being alone stops working like a drug you're gaining a tolerance to. So then I'm stuck trying to find another way.
I think I have. I'm trying to find people who actually Get It. I'm pretty stubborn, so the idea I may have to actually use an app or social media website I've already said sucks really bothers the hell outta me. Hating these things are kinda my identity! Who tf am I supposed to be now?
I guess the the only way out is through. Or more accurately; the only way get better at carrying the weight, is to accept the weight is there...and that the weight is also me. Or something. I finally not only joined and am actively lurk the adhd women subreddit, but also the connected discord server. It's kinda silly how I've never tried this. I've fought it too much; subreddits and discord servers are often ground zero these days for the largest and most active online communities. I think there are better apps or websites out there that could be used for these things, but uh, no one asked me, so that's not happening. I'd rather have an IRC chat, a forum, an email newsletter, meeting irl....yeah, I don't really know where any of that is for women with adhd that's currently active. I can't be The Person who makes those all A Thing, either, because for once I'm asking for help and I am finally facing I can't do this on my own anymore. Man, I really am stubborn lol. It takes so much effort and time for me to finally concede that I should just accept something I dislike for the greater good.
So, what else am I doing? Uh, so far, nothing else! I'm just trying to be open to the advice I find or am given and go from there. I'm really noticing how much I try to "mask" my adhd. I thought this was only an autism thing! I even notice that I'm masking to myself. That's pretty exhausting, so learning to relax that muscle has been really great. Another thing I'm trying to get a little better about is the whole "little treat" stuff that being often broke I pushed myself to never do. When I actually do the numbers, I realize I often do this but less effectively and with more guilt. I'm instead trying to actually get whatever small thing it is I was wanting timed as a reward for doing something that I feel really overwhelmed me, such as a small snack or coffee or something of that sort. Before, I would sit on the extra money I could use for things like this and spend it on sales and such that I think would be appreciated by everyone in my house...yeah, I'm done doing that. If I want it, cool, but no more gifts. Holidays and birthdays, but there's no reason to get out my desire to feel the rush of shopping for people who rarely care that much that I got a nice blanket for 6 dollars or whatever. I'm not even blaming them, it's on me for wasting money like that to soothe the guilty feeling that comes from giving in to shop. Instead, that extra money goes to me and me alone. I think I also just find it annoying the people in my house don't just buy the things they need or upgrade the crappy stuff they have when I know they can afford it lol. My problem is that I keep expecting these people to become "gift exchange people" like myself and my parents are, but not everyone can be so blessed to be better than everyone else...I have to let them suffer from their broken brains alone, and perhaps bully them for living so incorrectly.1
Buying myself a nice coffee after doing a thing that was a lot of work for me felt weird the other day. But good weird! And my bank account didn't explode either! What I found most interesting is that after I did, I got home and cleaned out my car entirely, well past the simple clearing out that I needed to do(and I was doing it well before my deadline). Sure, it might be the caffeine, but if you know me you'll realize I drink coffee too often for that to be much of a difference. I was slightly in awe at myself holding my momentum like that, and not even feeling burnt out after. I was in a pretty low phase hormonally too, so I was really going against most everything I thought I knew about myself. It's a single instance, but I've been pushing through a lot of other things these past couple days too, and I've done more than I could imagine. It's refreshing.
All of this has been a nice early gift to myself. It's almost the new year, too, so I guess I'm already working on that personal refresh. I know time milestones are all made up, but I enjoy pacing myself and creating personal checkpoints. Increasing self compassion has been worth it, and I hope I stick to it.2
Happy Holidays everyone!